It’s like screaming, but no one can hear, you almost feel ashamed that some one could be that important, that without them, you feel like nothing. No one will ever understand how much it hurts. You feel hopeless, like nothing can save you. But when it’s over, and it’s gone, you almost wish that you could have all that bad stuff back, so that you could have the good
Never was much of a romantic
I could never take the intimacy
And I know it did damage
Plus the look in your eyes, is killing me
I have become comfortably numb.
A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.
A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, and make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life. Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love)
I left my heart on the Tel Aviv beach on a windy night in June. But I want to be clear. I wasn’t in love with a person. At least I think I wasn’t in love with a person. I was in love with an idea. Even though leaving someone behind is a horrible emotion to feel, I have always been kind of fascinated with it. Knowing that for at least one person the memory of my face, our conversations, and me is the most important thing for them is an appealing idea. I have never really left someone behind, but I guess this was the closest I have ever been to that situation. He left that night because he got too emotional and I left because I had a plane to catch.
I’m pretty sure I was in love once. This love was towards a person. I was happy for a short period of time, but both of our problems got in the way. He couldn’t commit, and I couldn’t let go. In retrospect, he taught me something important about myself; I never learned how to accept the love that is given to me by others. The result of this was pushing people away for a long time, without realizing the reasoning. I became detached from my emotions towards others, not caring how my actions affected their feelings. I didn’t want to open myself up to anyone, because I thought loving someone could only lead to getting hurt. But I have slowly tried to re-learn how to accept the love I receive. Whether it is from my family, my friends, myself, or from someone who loves me in a romantic way. I will probably spend most of my life trying to re-teach myself how to love.
The nostalgia is tickling the back of my throat. The way you look at me is the same. The way you act around me is the same. But I know you are different. I know I am different. This place looks the same. But I know it is different. I don’t fit here anymore. As I look back through that rose tinted glass, I see the years filled with memories, and they look appealing. But when I remember them for what they really were, I remember pain, confusion, love, and anger. Time moves, no matter how strange it feels. No matter how much this year seemed to be free from the rules of the outside world. Other peoples lives move on without me, just like my life moved on without them. I feel torn in two, by two things I love, by two places I gave my whole heart to, without realizing I didn’t have a whole heart to give.